I could make wine with my vomit
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He felt like a one man threesome
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
