Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
