what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize