i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
