ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
is that a dick in a sweater?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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