life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
