I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
