planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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