he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
