he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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