That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
