Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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