he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
