Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
