Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
