I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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