Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
