I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
