even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize