I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
