dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
