please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
