I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
