Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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