o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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