The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize