And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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