I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
