We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
