She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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