I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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