Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
