Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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