Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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