im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
