She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
