I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
