my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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