Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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