11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
