The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
