I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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