Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
