I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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