Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
