I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize