it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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