Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
