its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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