Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
