Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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