remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
