On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
