Fine. I'll sleep in my office
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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