I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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