Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
