ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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