at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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