So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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