I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
