:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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