The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
