Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
