remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
