Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
