remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
